One of Those Days

It's been one of those days.

It began at 5:45 a.m.

No, wait, 4:00 a.m.

Wait, no, 3:30 a.m.

Oh, hell, I suppose it really began at 12:30 a.m.

But I didn't actually go turn on the coffee maker until 5:45.

Both boys have colds. Monkey's started on Saturday night. He went to bed like usual, then was up every 45 minutes crying for seemingly no reason. I knew something was going on, but he didn't have a temperature and he wasn't throwing up or having to use the bathroom. He just kept waking up crying.

The next morning he woke up with a full-fledged cold - runny nose, watery eyes, projectile sneezes, and a lousy attitude.

I tried to keep him from touching all of the baby's things, but, really, who was I kidding?

I decided to lay low on Monday. No music class, no grocery store, no trip to Target. We just hung out around the house. I did some laundry. Monkey got a great nap. He seemed a little better. Budsy was doing fine.

Until 12:30 a.m.

Before I even picked up the baby, I could hear him snorting and sniffling. As he tried to eat, I could hear his little nose wheezing. Every few seconds he would pull off, whimper a bit, and then try again. Poor guy.

At 3:30, he was worse. Even by the tiny changing table nightlight, I could see he had a runny nose. I tried to suction it, but that really pissed him off. After that, he never really went back to sleep. Not deep, restful, sleep. And neither did I.

So, at 5:45 a.m., I stumbled downstairs and turned on the coffee maker. I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep, no matter how much I wanted to or needed to. Everything felt like it went downhill from there.

Throughout the day, Budsy slept for a grand total of 90 minutes, split into 3 very short naps. He flipped out every time I tried to wipe his nose and by 3:00 in the afternoon, he was so clingy I couldn't put him down for more than a couple of minutes. Monkey had multiple breakdowns, mostly because I was paying so much attention to the baby. I was tired, cranky, short-tempered, and felt totally out of it. I felt like I accomplished nothing today, even though I had a long list of things to do.

By the time my husband got home, I was done. I needed to get out of the house. I needed a break. I needed to be alone. Where did I end up? At Toys R Us, buying stuff for the kids. Oh well - at least I was by myself for a bit.

And now, after a 17 hour day, I'm ready for bed.

Oh, wait, there's the baby.

Like I said - it's been one of the those days.

Here's to April!

March has been a jam-packed month for us - I'll be so happy when it's over.

We've had doctor appointments, dentist appointments, hair appointments, preschool tours, sports classes, music classes, Master's classes, visitors, and visitings.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm hungry. I'm going crazy listening to the whirring engine of the "moving Thomas" that went under the couch where I can't reach it - 2 hours ago!

Budsy is still doing his weird wake-up-every-couple-of-hours thing, so my sleep is sporadic. We're working on it, but sleep training has it's own set of frustrations. Lack of sleep, of course, leads to my crankiness...

We have almost no food in the house. I am not exaggerating. Our fridge is so sad right now - four containers of yogurt, fixings for quesadillas, and half a bag of salad, but no salad dressing. We ran out of milk at dinner... I desperately need to go to the grocery store, but it's really difficult to do a full shopping trip with both kids, one of which is in the middle of potty training. So I have to wait for the husband to get home and then I get to drag my tired, cranky butt to the store at 9:30 at night.

And despite all of the craziness that has been our month, I feel bored...

We try to do something everyday - usually something that should take about an hour - but somehow it's all I get done all day! I don't know how it happens, but it does. I swear. We're not out of the house until 10:00. It takes a half hour to get anywhere and everywhere. We stay for an hour or so, then head home - another half hour. Now it's 12:00 and time for lunch. After lunch it's nap time. By the time Monkey is up from his nap, it's time to start dinner. After dinner, Budsy goes down for the night. Then it's Monkey's turn. The next thing I know, it's 9:30 at night and time to go to the grocery store!

Enough already! I'm ready to get out of this rut...

I know things will be better as soon as we get a handle on the potty training and I'm confident enough to really go out and about again. Meanwhile, it's just hard. I miss my friends. I miss going to the park. I miss Target.

So, here's to April... may it bring me a bit of sleep, some time with friends, and a regularly stocked refrigerator!

Exhaustion

I'm exhausted.

I know this isn't unusual for new (again) parents, but it's really hitting me hard this time. Maybe it's because I'm older than last time. Perhaps it's because I had just gotten used to a full night's sleep again. Or possibly it's because I'm handling a toddler and an infant 14 hours a day.

I don't know why. I just know I'm exhausted.

Budsy is 16 weeks old now and at 15 pounds is physically capable of sleeping through the night. Yet he's still up every few hours at night and insists on nursing. It's driving me insane.

On average, I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep a night. Of course, this isn't 6 straight, restful hours of sleep...

I'm in bed at 10:ish. Asleep around 10:30.

He cries at 12:ish. I stumble down the hall, nurse him, change him, put him back to bed. Put myself back to bed. Asleep around 12:30.

He cries at 3:ish. I stumble down the hall, nurse him, change him, put him back to bed. Put myself back to bed. Asleep around 3:30.

He cries at 4:30ish. I stumble down the hall, pop the pacifier in his mouth, pray that he falls back asleep. Put myself back to bed. Asleep around 4:45.

He cries at 6:ish. I groan and kick my husband - your turn. I listen to him cry while my half-sleeping husband struggles to change him. I listen to his cries get louder as my husband brings him down the hall. I contemplate pretending to be asleep, but realize that it's a lost cause. I sit up and nurse him.

By 6:30 he's asleep again in our bed. I fade in and out of sleep while I try not to roll on the baby. My husband gets up to get ready for the day. Just as I convince myself that it's ok to grab 5 more minutes of sleep, I feel Monkey climbing up on the bed. *sigh*

I'm exhausted.

One on One Time

My mom graciously took Monkey for a day last week, giving me some quality one on one time with Budsy. It was really nice, but it got me thinking about a couple of things. First, I had completely forgotten how boring it is to entertain an infant all day - it's time to haul out the baby toys. And second, it really hit me that I won't have any significant one on one time with Monkey for another 9ish months and it kind of bummed me out.

For 2 1/2 years it was him and me together - day in and day out. The arrival of Budsy changed everything.

I rarely have focused playtime with Monkey anymore. All activities seem to be combined with baby care - nurse the baby while playing trains, burp the baby while reading stories, rock the baby while singing songs. I even front pack the baby during sports class! Budsy is old enough now to be put down for a while, but I'm still splitting my attention between both boys.

Play with Monkey while the baby sleeps, you say? Well, Budsy is a cat napper, which means he only sleeps for about 45 minutes at any given time during the day. One nap is during breakfast, one usually takes place in the car, one is during Monkey's nap, and one final, short nap is usually while I'm attempting to get something that passes for dinner on the table. I can catch about an hour of Mommy-Monkey time between Budsy's bedtime and Monkey's, but it's an exhausting hour for me and I wouldn't necessarily categorize it as quality time.

Part of the problem is that, by choice, I'm exclusively breastfeeding the baby on demand and that means that I have to be available to him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even as he gets older and doesn't nurse as frequently, I'll still have to be there for him throughout the day. It will be like that until around Christmas when I'll start to really wean him. I can throw a bottle in there every once, but those of you that have nursed a baby will understand that I can't really miss more than one feeding.

This all adds up to mean that I can only spend limited one on one time with Monkey. I won't get an entire day for more than an entire year. And that really bums me out.

Diet Starts Tomorrow!

It's no secret that pregnancy wreaks havoc on a woman's body.

You put on weight every where and in the oddest places (fingers? ankles? nose? I didn't sign on for this!). You can barely sleep. Your skin reminds you of being 15, in a bad way. Your hair goes through a bad hair 9 months. And your back aches likes nobody's business.

Then you have the baby and you think, thank God, now everything will go back to how it was before.

And that is where the big secret lies.

Your body doesn't go back to those pre-pregnancy days. Certainly not right away. And in some ways, never again.

For me, the biggest challenge with both my pregnancies was the weight gain. I knew I would gain weight while pregnant, but I wasn't prepared for how much weight I would put on.

With Monkey, I gained somewhere around 65 pounds. I'm not sure what the final number was, but at my last weigh-in a few days before he was born, I clocked in at 207! I'm only 5'4" folks! Obviously, I took the whole eating-for-two thing too literally. I had kept up with gym appointments the entire pregnancy, but it wasn't enough to counter the cravings. Apparently a slow walk on a treadmill for 15 minutes, three times a week, doesn't burn the number of calories in a large milkshake from In and Out - who knew?

I lost 20 pounds right off the bat, but after that everything stalled. I had always heard that breastfeeding helped you lose weight and I was counting on that being true. Well, this is true, but only to an extent. After 3 months, I was only down another 5 pounds. It took 4 more months to drop another 5 pounds. I found it to be really difficult to diet with a new baby in the house - I ate what I could, when I could. And forget about the gym - I couldn't stand the thought of leaving the baby for an hour, even with Daddy. I also found that my child hated the stroller and as a result, it wasn't at all enjoyable to go on walks.

After an entire year and very little progress, I knew I needed to actually start working at losing the weight. We were talking about having another baby and I dreaded the idea of putting another 60 pounds on top of the 30 extra pounds I was still toting around. So I dragged myself back to the gym and started Weight Watchers. Best decision of my life - I lost 20 pounds in three months!

In the end, it took me almost 2 years to take off the "baby weight". It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, I'm proud to say that I actually ended up in better shape than I was before getting pregnant with Monkey.

So, when I got pregnant with Budsy, I was determined to do better. I really watched what I ate and I tried to keep up with exercise. I kept my cravings in check as much as pregnant-humanly possible. I didn't do great, but I did better - I put on 50 pounds.

Again, I lost 20 pounds right off the bat. From my previous experience, I knew that with breastfeeding I would lose about 5 more pounds during the first 3 months. So I decided to give myself that 3 months and not worry about actively losing weight - I would just try to eat as healthy as possible and not over-indulge.

Well, Budsy turned 3 months yesterday. I've lost 26 pounds since he was born. Now it's time to get serious. I have signed up with Weight Watchers online and I am determined to lose this weight. My short term goal - 15 pounds over the next 3 months. My long term goal - back to pre-pregnancy weight by the end of summer.

Wish me luck! Diet starts tomorrow!

I Am A Mommy - Part 1

I have two boys. Let's call them Monkey and Budsy. I have to say that for the most part, I L-O-V-E being a mom. Of course this is extremely hard to remember when I'm trying to get home from the park and the baby is crying because he's hungry (didn't I just feed you?), the toddler is crying because he apparently doesn't want me to drive on the freeway, and the CD of annoying children's songs has started over yet again, but, yeah, overall I love being a mom...

I believe it is impossible to forget the birth of your children. Monkey let me know he was ready to meet us at the crack of dawn on a Friday. I felt the first twinge of a contraction at 4:00 am and immediately sat up in bed.

This is it! Today's the day! Wake up the husband! Get out the watch! Start timing frequency, duration, and tolerance levels! Call the grandparents! Come quick! The baby's coming!

I had taken the classes, practiced my breathing, and mapped out every conceivable route to the hospital. I was ready. This labor thing wasn't so bad. I would make it through without the epidural, just the way I envisioned.

Then everything stopped. I felt bad. Everyone was sitting around my living room. Staring at me. Waiting for something to happen.

What did I know... He was my first child - I had no idea what to expect.

Finally at 5:00 pm the contractions started again. By midnight, I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. I clearly remember thinking "surely I'm close to the end". Contractions were 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long, and had been going like this for 1 hour. 5-1-1. It was in the book. I was still in high spirits and tolerating the contractions pretty well. My plan was falling into place.

Call the doctor! Call the hospital! Get the bag! Get in the car! Make the light or go right through it! Are we there yet!?

What did I know... He was my first child - I had no idea what to expect.

After checking in at the hospital, they checked my progress. Two and a half centimeters.

Wait. What? That can't be right. I'd been laboring for hours! Two and a half centimeters?! What the hell?!

They hooked me up to all the monitoring equipment. Poked my arms a million times trying to place an IV. Made me lie in the bed to get a good reading on the baby's heartbeat. The contractions kept coming. They were getting stronger and closer together. My water broke. I couldn't concentrate on my breathing. I couldn't get a handle on what was happening. Holy crap! Isn't this over yet?!

What did I know... He was my first child - I had no idea what to expect. I can tell you this - Nothing truly prepares you for childbirth.

I finally gave in to an epidural at 8 centimeters. I had been up for 24 hours. Laboring for 12. I was exhausted. I couldn't tolerate it any more. I felt defeated, guilty, sad. I had failed. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself. After all, he was my first child - I had no idea what to expect.

Finally, after 17 hours of true labor, our Monkey made his debut on Saturday, May 30th, 2009 at 10:45 am. I still tear up when I think about that moment. My husband got to announce that it was a boy. I immediately started crying. I had never felt such joy in my entire life! He was perfect. Ten little fingers, ten little toes. Dimples from the first cry. Big, beautiful, blue eyes. My heart nearly burst from the love I felt for this new little person.

Saturday, May 30th, 2009 at 10:45 am. I became a mommy.